David S. Demarest

In my earlier writing as to the reasons behind my trip, I commented that, among other things, I was “getting tired”.  In that writing my comments were oriented toward work and my position as manager the past eight years.  In reality, as if often the case, it is not that simple.

Life is also about death.  We live our lives, and deal with the ending of others’.  My friend Dan is in the midst of that process, having this past week lost a long time family friend to cancer, and facing the upcoming passing of his sister from cancer.  Speaking with Dan the other day, he talked about how when there are issues with his family, he is the one that others turn to.  His long time friend turned to him some years ago and asked him to be executor of his estate – an estate involving estranged adult children and various associated challenges.

My dad died in October 2005.  His wife, my stepmother, died in August 2003.  Between the two, I have four younger siblings.  We have been together, in good times and not so good (especially the very early years!), since 1969 when I was 13.  While all of my siblings are capable and responsible people, I seemed to be the one most involved in our parents’ affairs.  While my step-brother and I were identified as co-executors in their wills, when the time came it made sense for my step-brother to resign and leave me to be the executor. 

When I met early on with our estate attorney, I was advised that his experience has shown that when there are more than a couple of siblings the odds dramatically increase of friction and disputes.  I am pleased to say that during this process the five of us worked well together and got things done.  While there were the inevitable “bumps in the road”, we all managed to get along and our relationships have survived intact.  In my work I have seen more than a few families where this is not the case.

At this point you might be wondering why I bring up my parents in the context of being tired.  For those of you that have not served as executor of an estate – or in my case two estates – it can be a long and challenging task.  For those of you that have, you know understand all too well what I am speaking of.  In our case, as with many families, the challenges started early with illnesses, home care, hospital stays, nursing homes, hospice, inadequate estate planning, conflicting wills, and various other complexities.  It took until late 2007 for the estates to be closed.  During that time, there were many weeks and months where substantial amounts of my time and energy was expended on behalf of family, often impacting both my personal and professional lives. It was, to put it simply, tiring.